Losing Your Baby.

Hey everyone, so if you’re reading this now, you’re more than likely reading it because you’re in or have been in the same boat as me... on the 23rd November 2018, I got told that I had lost my baby. I was 10 weeks pregnant, and couldn’t think of anything that I wanted more than my baby in my arms. Unfortunately, my body wasn’t ready for this life step and couldn’t handle it so my little peanut had to say goodbye. I’m just here tonight to write my feelings out as sometimes, it’s easier to type than to speak to people about things. I’m guessing that’s why social media has become such a ‘trend’ in modern society. Everything is so much easier to do when it’s typed out!

So, initially when I found out I was pregnant, I was absolutely terrified. I didn’t know what the fuck to do! I’m 19, at university, was in the most unstable, unhealthy, toxic relationship and was not in a place to house a child and bring up a life. But after a week or so of thinking about it, I knew that I couldn’t terminate and that I wanted my baby. It was mine (you know what I mean, obviously not just mine). The one thing my body would’ve fed, homed and looked after until they were ready to come out and be their own little person. I was so ready to be a mum! I was taking folic acid tablets alongside some other drugstore ‘good mum’ tablets as I call them, like vitimins and supplements that are supposed to make the pregnancy easier and allow you to have a healthier environment for the baby. Everything seemed so perfect. 

I was under a lot of stress in my personal life at the time I found out I was pregnant, and I do really put this down to a key factor of why my peanut couldn’t survive in there. I was in the most horrific mental state I’ve ever been in. My depression had definitely taken a decline and I found myself crying myself to sleep every night, starting to take my medication again and confiding in the complete wrong people because my vision of right and wrong was completely blurred. My relationship was coming to an end, and it was really hard to deal with. I wanted something he didn’t. He didn’t want a child so young, he wanted to live the single life and be a kid. I understood it! But I was ready to grow up and put this child first where he just wasn’t ready for that, which is completely fine. We just didn’t work out in the end and ended the relationship so my mind wasn’t in a great place there either. University was getting increasingly harder considering it was my first few weeks of 2nd year and, although I was trying my best, my mind just couldn’t focus with everything else that was on it. Eventually, I found myself in a downwards spiral and I had no idea how to get back up. 

Friends were a major part in the after math of my loss... Although it did teach me who were real friends and who were there just for the ride. I did lose some ‘friends’ when I lost the baby, but the ones who stayed around are the ones I’ll cherish for ever. I was always welcome to go round to theirs for a brew or even just for a chat. They’re amazing people who I wish the best for in their lives. 

Another thing that helped me was work. I worked at a local pub and did between 30-40 hours a week. Staying busy did help me, but my friends were also the regulars at the pub so while I was working, I always had a friend there which made me feel so much safer and more comfortable at work than I could’ve without them there. I always had something to focus on and something to keep me busy. I didn’t ignore the fact that it happened, but just didn’t spend all day dwelling on it. There was no point... It wasn’t going to change anything! 

This mindset helped me a lot as I realised that everything really does happen for a reason! My relationship wasn’t right to hold a child as well as ourselves, my mental health wasn’t strong enough to go through the pregnancy and my life just wasn’t fitting for a baby to come in to. It was hard. Excessively hard. Harder than I could’ve ever imagined to get though. But on the flip side, I’m now a month on and stronger than I ever was before and I will always be a mum at heart. Since then, I’ve had a small peanut tattooed on my left elbow to signify my little baby peanut which I look at every day without fail, just to be reminded that my little bubba is looking down on me and always there in my heart. 

I hope I get to be a mummy one day, but I hope that day is right and will stay with me all way through. 

Goodbye for now, 

L x